By Sweta P Mishra
If you are twenty five years old, you should have already got a job or at least should be on your way. If you are thirty you should be planning a family or at least be married. By thirty five, you should have bought your own house and be taking the stress of the EMI. I can go on... Truth be told, I have myself fallen prey to what I call a "mandatory stress calendar for social success". If you do not cater to these periodic "stress milestones", you are not successful as per social norms. Your family, friends, colleagues and neighbors ensure you have a very clear vision of this calendar. If you lose track of it consciously or unknowingly, they make sure to hammer some sense (which they might explain as social intelligence) to you, remind you how you have fallen behind and leave no stone unturned to ensure that you are back in the race.
I must clarify that I am not opinionated against age old wisdom, neither do I grudge individuals who have happily chosen to do what their fellow human beings do. But I am a little worried about few members of our species who have chosen to tread a different path- a path slightly non-compliant, a path that probably stems from a cognitive make that does not recognize social compliance as the greatest virtue. And the reason of my worry- purely selfish. If there are two situations which have given me the most substantial amount of agony in my life, they are: 1) Whenever I asked "why"? 2) Whenever I asked "why not"? My heart goes out to all my fellow human beings who believe that asking for a rationale is fundamental to a thinking being's life, because I know the amount of struggle this approach brings with itself.
While I stumble and tumble every single day embracing my non-compliant cognitive make (for the lack of a better word), I have developed what I call my own perspective to dealing with this "imperative stress calendar". This helps me do two things: enables me to breathe when I am pushed to believe that I have fallen behind in the race and secondly, helps me address situations when I feel judged.
Having lived half my life, having looked around and viewed the life of friends and family, the biggest observation which has now become a guiding principle for me is "Complete compliance is not necessarily a virtue". In the other words, if everyone does something, then that action is not necessarily correct or moral. That is, whoever does not follow suit is not by default wrong or immoral. Think back to whatever you remember of your history class in school and you would note that at least two to three social evils which were common phenomenon during that era. And everybody lived that as a natural part of their lives. But today, we look back at them as social evils which were eradicated. Correctness I believe, can't be debated without context. And contexts differ from one person to another.
The second observation relates to a phenomenon which I call "half-truths as ethical basis to norms". A wise author once said "I don't believe in borrowed wisdom". I like the very audacity of the statement. A classic statement based on borrowed wisdom: "Marriage completes an individual". May be it does for some and doesn't for others. But here is where the problem begins, calling an individual selfish because he enjoys the "no strings attached" feeling that comes with bachelorhood. Let's acknowledge that while some run away from marriage to preserve freedom, most get married to find companionship. Both cases involve a personal motive. So why do we raise our eyebrows at the first situation and consider the second a normal progression in life? What makes the first situation or individual an anomaly? That is because we choose to focus on half of the truth- we see motive when someone chooses to move away from norms but we close our eyes to the motives that dictate compliance to norms. That is a very convenient usage of a half-truth, isn't it?
I know many individuals who have maintained the so called social schedule, achieved the right milestone (from the mandatory stress calendar) at the right time, and are yet deprived of a basic sense of well-being.
Look around and you will see that happiness can't be the outcome of a calendarized life. Neither will co-existence be possible unless we get rid of a world view that differentiates the non- compliant from the compliant. Look at any aspect of life and you will find numerous instances when you have either judged or been judged for not following a prevalent norm. To question, to drift (if life allows you that luxury) and to tread your own path is imperative to find your own truth. Of all the species, us human beings should be the first to make space for it.
